Randomness ... you never know what will show up here.

I recently got to know a friend of a friend through dinner and drinks. He is so many things: funny, exceedingly bright, thoughtful, reflective, loving and generous. His mom died this morning. I have thought about him a lot, and I worry. He's so aware of everything, and he's not used to worrying a lot about how HE feels, copes, deals, whatever. Here's where the randomness comes in: he's just reunited with a college girlfriend. I shouldn't say 'just' like it was last week. It's been a year or so of reconnecting for them. He's let me know some of the bits and pieces of their life together, and I know they love one another. Deeply, openly and honestly. This is the second go-round for both of them, and they are not wasting time on a lot of bullshit. No games. Good people in love with each other. It's nice to see.

So, now he has a rock on which to rest during this tumultuous time, if only he can attempt to take care of himself. I think she will guide him that way but not interfere. I think they will be stronger yet because of it. I believe that true love is tested by trial, and only the truest come through it together. The rest ... well, maybe they're better off without each other. This sounds cruel but I think it's true. I don't know. I'll try to figure it out.

When I left my husband, I had only one goal in mind: get out from under all the stress. Granted, he did not know what he was causing within me, but he was so angry at the world and was so focused on that anger he had no idea how he appeared to the world around him, or how it was affecting me. I had to get out to save my own sanity, which has had it's stresses but that's another story. Suffice it to say that I had been down a self-destructive road in the past and I could see myself on the way back to that road, and it terrified me. I had promised myself a long time ago that if I ever saw that happening to me again, I would fight to prevent myself going back there. So I did what I had to do, which was escape.

Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My two sons will be together up north, and I have a couple of choices. I can stay home where my housemate is preparing a feast and inviting all the orphans over, or I can try to do something with the FSO. (Former Significant Other)

We would most likely go somewhere with a buffet and that would be good enough. I am toying with the idea of asking him to come to the orphans dinner party. I don't think he'd accept.

I have to admit that sometimes I am not happy to be alone. Sometimes this is a scary journey. But it is of my nature to not ask for help, yet now I find that I want help now and then, and I just don't know how to ask. Don't know who to ask. Don't know what, specifically, to ask for.  Hold me, I'm lonely. Help me, I'm afraid. Help me, I don't know what to do. Help me, I don't know how to ask for help.
There. I did it. Good for me.

Milestones of a sort.

Three months is a funny time frame. A quarter of a year, 90 days, a season.... Depending on your circumstances, it's either the blink of an eye or an ungodly long time to wait for something, endure something, try to change something. I've been moved out of my husband's home now for over three months. To me it feels like a new beginning, and it's gone by rather quickly. I would think my husband would have a different take on it. But, since this is my life and my story, he stays out of this one.
Lots has happened for me and to me. I've figured out how to make one trip to the grocery store a week and have all i need in two reusable shopping bags. Since I mostly walk, this is a good thing. If I need to make a bigger trip, I call my son and he takes me. It costs me a bag of groceries for him, but he chooses well so I don't mind. He buys fruit, veggies, salad ingredients, peanut butter, jelly, bread, milk and cereal. Every now and then he'll get a pizza. He doesn't ask for much, which is why I'm willing to do it for him.
Anyway, I've tripped on a sidewalk crack in broad daylight and cracked three ribs. I survived on my own.
Got myself to urgent care and everything. Woo I'm a big girl now. I have my own cell phone under my own name. I've made a business trip. I've paid my own bills, set up my own savings, set up my own safety deposit box even. I eat what I want when i want. I can have cereal for dinner. Hell, I can have it for all my meals and a snack.
I like finding out what I like. I like finding out who I am. I may not always enjoy the results of that knowledge, but it's all growth. Onward and upward, and hopefully not outward.

What I am doing right this moment....sorry twitter and fb

I am rearranging my room. I have taken about 6 weeks to get around to it. I guess i wanted to be sure this was where I was going to stay for awhile. August 9th I left my then-permanent home of my own volition. I moved in with a good friend for 6 weeks. Then it was to an apartment with another friend for three weeks, then on to this house with the same friend. So, in about 14 weeks I have lived in 4 places. I'm getting settled, both physically and emotionally. I'm finding out what I like and what I don't like, and what I used to count on someone else for.
It's sometimes a comfort and a relief to be on my own. But there are days like today when I sure wish someone would fix me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I've had some flu-like symptoms for a couple of days. I feel like a grub but don't have the energy to shower just yet. I don't have a television, so I can't just wrap up and go mindless. I could just go to sleep, but I only have today for me and only me, so I just don't want to waste the time although it would be delightful. Conflicted should be my middle name...

First time...and no, not that way.

So here I am. My name is Sue. I am in my 50's and starting a whole new life. I spent a long time not being me. I am going to be me now, and see how that fits. It may be good, it may be bad, and it may get ugly. But I wanted to be alone, I wanted to survive on my own, and now I start working on that.

I love photography. I love people and interacting with them. I love tolerance and giving. Now granted, there are times that I am incapable of any of these. I am human. I, like everyone, will make mistakes. I, maybe not like everyone, will try to be open about those mistakes and hope that I learn from them. If I forget that, you are here to remind me. Don't hesitate to call me a hypocrite if you think it applies. Sometimes it does. See, like I said, I'm human. Let's go down this path, okay?