It's been a while...

I really should start this out by saying thank you to whomever you are. I checked the 'page views' and althought I don't know who has been here, someone has been here looking to see if I've posted something new. That is intriguing and intimidating at the same time. Someone is looking for something new from me. Humbling.

It's been months since I posted something here, but I've got a few drafts saved on subjects I care about. When the time is right, I'll post them too. Pretty soon I'm going to have more 'creative' time as I am moving into my own apartment. I'm very excited about being able to work at the dinner table (if I end up with one....that's another post.) I like not worrying about making noise while I edit my posts or my photos. I have found out that I talk to myself. A lot. Or, unfortunately for others, if I am wearing headphones I sing under my breath, just loud enough to be heard.

My current roommate leaves for work at an ungodly early hour, so I take care not to make too much noise after 7 pm or so. Usually that's okay, but I've gotten myself a one-time gig as a wedding photographer, so I am doing more and more research.  I don't "shoot" people. I capture life as it goes by. I don't "pose" people, I hang out along the edges of whatever function I am at. Sometimes I tell them to smile, but mostly I like catching the real person.  I like to listen to youtube videos teaching me about all the really cool photo software I have. I say, "So THAT'S how it works." I should state here that the only thing I use photoshop for is resizing my photos to standardize them. I don't know how to best use my camera, and that is a mixed bag of feelings for me. First and foremost, I love the 'grabbing' photos out of thin air, or when they go by, or when I'm the passenger in a car, hanging out the window like a dog, but instead of my tongue, my camera is out searching for a taste of something intriguing. There are a lot of times it worked out well for me, but there are so many near misses. I wanted that plus just a little more of THIS. Or I got THIS and wanted a little more of THAT.

I would like to learn more of how my camera works, but I'm pretty satisfied with the point and shoot aspect of it. I've gotten some amazing shots just by being lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. I'll post a few sometime, as I organize what I will get together for a show. I'm supposedly having a show during 2013. I've set a goal to frame one photo a month so that I will have at least 16 to choose from for the show. I'll use the ones I have at my home and the ones at my office, which are four of the 16. I'm excited and nervous about it already. But, it's what I wanted so no griping allowed. Anyway, more as I get my living situation settled and clarify the 'vision' for my photo show. Holy crap, they even have an artist's reception. Shit, I didn't even get a reception when I got married.....

growth is painful, even moreso when it is self inflicted

I have been dealing with my own maturity level lately. I am slowly learning what it is like to be a single person. Sometimes it is a joy to be alone, sometimes it is difficult. I have some very special friends in my life, and they are there for me when I am at my lowest.  I have a particular friend that I rely on heavily, and sometimes I demand his attention when he has issues of his own to deal with. I have made myself some rules, such as they are, and they are meant to help me be alone and thus reduce my reliance on him. I value his advice and I know that if I continue my random histrionics, I will lose my strongest ally. To have that happen would solely be caused by my words and actions. Mine alone. I've never had such a friend, and I believe neither has he. It is true friendship, something I may have had from time to time, but never like this. Never this depth of compassion, the almost palpable waves of empathy that bathe me in reassurance and love.

It hasn't always been this way.

We used to be able to do so many things together, we had so many ways to work together. We could both be washing the car in a self serve booth and whoever had the hose never got the other one wet. We camped. We lived in a van for 3 months. We were electricians together. We ran a business together. We sailed an awesome boat in some pretty big waters. 

Sometimes my heart says ... really? is this how it ends? ... really?

Over thirty three years together ends. And I'm the one that pulled the trigger. Pulled the pin. Left.

But every time I see him since then, I've had reinforcement in one way or another that I made the right move. 
He bought a used pickup truck on a Saturday. The following Monday he had to be in Denver for two weeks. So it has sat in a public parking lot with no legal plates on it, although it is insured and FSO has the title. Anyway, when FSO got back from Denver there were three parking tickets.."No Overnight Parking" even though there had been many occasions where we'd left both the family car and my antique car overnight for weeks...So he asked me if there would be time for me to call and try to make the tickets go away.
wtf. isn't this what i've been saying all along? Can't you do this for yourself?

Randomness ... you never know what will show up here.

I recently got to know a friend of a friend through dinner and drinks. He is so many things: funny, exceedingly bright, thoughtful, reflective, loving and generous. His mom died this morning. I have thought about him a lot, and I worry. He's so aware of everything, and he's not used to worrying a lot about how HE feels, copes, deals, whatever. Here's where the randomness comes in: he's just reunited with a college girlfriend. I shouldn't say 'just' like it was last week. It's been a year or so of reconnecting for them. He's let me know some of the bits and pieces of their life together, and I know they love one another. Deeply, openly and honestly. This is the second go-round for both of them, and they are not wasting time on a lot of bullshit. No games. Good people in love with each other. It's nice to see.

So, now he has a rock on which to rest during this tumultuous time, if only he can attempt to take care of himself. I think she will guide him that way but not interfere. I think they will be stronger yet because of it. I believe that true love is tested by trial, and only the truest come through it together. The rest ... well, maybe they're better off without each other. This sounds cruel but I think it's true. I don't know. I'll try to figure it out.

When I left my husband, I had only one goal in mind: get out from under all the stress. Granted, he did not know what he was causing within me, but he was so angry at the world and was so focused on that anger he had no idea how he appeared to the world around him, or how it was affecting me. I had to get out to save my own sanity, which has had it's stresses but that's another story. Suffice it to say that I had been down a self-destructive road in the past and I could see myself on the way back to that road, and it terrified me. I had promised myself a long time ago that if I ever saw that happening to me again, I would fight to prevent myself going back there. So I did what I had to do, which was escape.

Now tomorrow is Thanksgiving. My two sons will be together up north, and I have a couple of choices. I can stay home where my housemate is preparing a feast and inviting all the orphans over, or I can try to do something with the FSO. (Former Significant Other)

We would most likely go somewhere with a buffet and that would be good enough. I am toying with the idea of asking him to come to the orphans dinner party. I don't think he'd accept.

I have to admit that sometimes I am not happy to be alone. Sometimes this is a scary journey. But it is of my nature to not ask for help, yet now I find that I want help now and then, and I just don't know how to ask. Don't know who to ask. Don't know what, specifically, to ask for.  Hold me, I'm lonely. Help me, I'm afraid. Help me, I don't know what to do. Help me, I don't know how to ask for help.
There. I did it. Good for me.

Milestones of a sort.

Three months is a funny time frame. A quarter of a year, 90 days, a season.... Depending on your circumstances, it's either the blink of an eye or an ungodly long time to wait for something, endure something, try to change something. I've been moved out of my husband's home now for over three months. To me it feels like a new beginning, and it's gone by rather quickly. I would think my husband would have a different take on it. But, since this is my life and my story, he stays out of this one.
Lots has happened for me and to me. I've figured out how to make one trip to the grocery store a week and have all i need in two reusable shopping bags. Since I mostly walk, this is a good thing. If I need to make a bigger trip, I call my son and he takes me. It costs me a bag of groceries for him, but he chooses well so I don't mind. He buys fruit, veggies, salad ingredients, peanut butter, jelly, bread, milk and cereal. Every now and then he'll get a pizza. He doesn't ask for much, which is why I'm willing to do it for him.
Anyway, I've tripped on a sidewalk crack in broad daylight and cracked three ribs. I survived on my own.
Got myself to urgent care and everything. Woo I'm a big girl now. I have my own cell phone under my own name. I've made a business trip. I've paid my own bills, set up my own savings, set up my own safety deposit box even. I eat what I want when i want. I can have cereal for dinner. Hell, I can have it for all my meals and a snack.
I like finding out what I like. I like finding out who I am. I may not always enjoy the results of that knowledge, but it's all growth. Onward and upward, and hopefully not outward.

What I am doing right this moment....sorry twitter and fb

I am rearranging my room. I have taken about 6 weeks to get around to it. I guess i wanted to be sure this was where I was going to stay for awhile. August 9th I left my then-permanent home of my own volition. I moved in with a good friend for 6 weeks. Then it was to an apartment with another friend for three weeks, then on to this house with the same friend. So, in about 14 weeks I have lived in 4 places. I'm getting settled, both physically and emotionally. I'm finding out what I like and what I don't like, and what I used to count on someone else for.
It's sometimes a comfort and a relief to be on my own. But there are days like today when I sure wish someone would fix me a bowl of chicken noodle soup. I've had some flu-like symptoms for a couple of days. I feel like a grub but don't have the energy to shower just yet. I don't have a television, so I can't just wrap up and go mindless. I could just go to sleep, but I only have today for me and only me, so I just don't want to waste the time although it would be delightful. Conflicted should be my middle name...